A Piece For The Uninspired

"I had spent three and a half years in a relationship that sucked up all my energy and gave me nothing in return--isolated and lonely and faking a happiness that no one could see through.  Honestly, I had spent my whole life there, so afraid of how I felt that I couldn't even admit it to myself.  I was so envious of the women I saw every day who were living their lives the way that they wanted to.  I was so fascinated by the women who could never "pass," the way I did, as straight.  After I left my boyfriend, it took me months and months to forgive myself. Forgive myself for suffocation by my own hand, forgive myself for holding myself hostage with an idea of perfection  (straightness) that was my own creation.  Looking back, I still have a hard time understanding why I was so driven to make myself fit into the lifestyle that I thought was expected of me.  Despite my youth, my progressive education, my liberal upbringing, I still wanted to turn away from the truth: I liked women".

..."Not to say there wasn't doubt, worry, anxiety, reality impinging on our blissed-out state.  Those things were there in the background, bringing up questions about my intentions, my past.  More than once, she asked if I was sure  I wanted to be with women.  What if I didn't like it? I could only tell her that I was certain.  It had been a very long, careful decision to leave my previous relationship, and I had had several months of being single and considering my choice. I knew where my attraction lay, I knew I would always be unhappy and faking it if I were in a straight relationship.  I was more certain of my decision than I was of anything else.  I knew what I was giving up.  I knew that despite the little bubble of Northampton there would be (and always will be) the possibility of disapproval, or hate, or silent condemnation.  I knew I was giving up my right to always hold someone's hand in public, because in Northampton it is okay, but it isn't okay in Boca Raton, or Houston, or Peoria.  I knew I would have to use my intuition and keep my mouth shut in places where being a lesbian might make me unsafe.  I knew that I might meet people who judged me and my lifestyle, people who would think there was something wrong with me.  I knew not everyone would accept my life and love with the grace and equanimity that my friends and family do. I knew I was giving up the heterosexual privilege I had enjoyed my whole life.  I also knew, and still know, I made the right choice."

From the book Dear John, I love Jane...such an incredible read. Check it out.

Quirklust Collaborative, Coming Right Up

Hello Hello everyone!

So...the project I have been obsessing over for the past few weeks...Quirklust!

I have been devotedly working away on developing a new website that I think will be a lot of fun when it's live.  I had already started Quirklust as a creative outlet through which I've been selling things like my art shoes, IPhone cases, etc. However, I was overwhelmed with the need to pursue this new idea of developing an Artists' collaborative.  A place where artists can come together to share work, give one another feedback, and most importantly, promote one another.

The way I see it, it's really one of our best options in this shit economy, right? I mean, if we can develop an entire 'artpool' (as I have affectionately dubbed it), of creative minds who do amazing work, then we have the potential to create an extensive database of artistic resources.  For one another and for the public.

What's more, we can share networks with one another, creating important ties and connections between all of us.

Of course, I'm juggling a million things at once and haven't quite ironed out all of the kinks in my thinking on this, but I'm real excited. The website is fun, cool, easy to use. I'm working on developing a shoppe where artists can sell their work--artists who join get their own art page to showcase examples of their work and provide contact information...good stuff! I'll be sure to post when everything goes live, but in the meantime, here are some screen shots of my development in progress. Always love your feedback. Lust on!

Storm Drains and Missing You

Storm Drains and Missing You

I woke up feeling a little less animated today

Something inside me keeping the gears from moving at full speed

My heart a bit heavy

With an untried woefulness new to all of my being.

I felt a little less admired today

Walking empty streets with clouded skies

Shop doors turned away

And cars moving opposite of me.

Even families of birds flew apart to find different paths

And I thought…

Today just hasn’t been the same without you.

I felt a little less proud today

Without you by my side as I walked into our favorite places

My smile feeling only half as warm

As when it’s paired with yours.

My mind danced around all the to-do list’s bullets

Knowing I could complete them so graciously

If you were here to tell me that I’m great

At what I do.

That I’m cute

When I’m focused.

That I’m the brightest firefly in your jar.

Even the storm clouds split

To move their own ways.

And I thought…

Today just hasn’t been the same without you.

I felt a little less complete today

As I poured my lunchtime cereal

Into a bowl that never looked so deep

Even when I picked your favorite.

I turned the heat on

I know you would have liked that

On a day like today

When the city seems right on the verge

Of a beautiful rainstorm.

It’s like the gutters are waiting

Right along with me

For our companions to come down to us

To make this day complete.

And I think…

No day will ever be the same without you.

The 99th Year

Count your blessings

As you would the twinkles in a constellation

Or the candles on the birthday cake

Of your ninety-ninth year.

Thank yourself for your limits

And your boundaries

And your reckless abandon

And your mistakes. Your beautiful mistakes.

Bundle up the very best seconds

The most powerful lessons

And lock them in a place that you'll come back to

When you are too proud to remember

That you are human.

It's those voids within us that we try most to forget

But they love us so much

In ways that we will never understand

It's time to admit that we know nothing and

To close our eyes to be able to see everything.

Why don't we sing as though the world is deaf

And live as though we're dying

And laugh and laugh

Until it is time to count the candles

Of our ninety-ninth year.

"First Kiss In Fall"

Well...here's another.  Hot off the press today, this little (well big, rather) piece is called "First Kiss In Fall".  I had a charming response from my friend Bill today when I sent him a photograph of this one via text. He said, "Wow! I love that...but today is the second day of Spring..". It's funny that I felt so compelled to do an Autumn piece when we have drifted away from the season.  Perhaps it's that I miss it so much already...

Fall is so special to me.  It feels like a magical season and I don't really know why.  Something about the air, you know? There's this crispness that's locked into place.  Rainy, misty quietness that blankets everything.  Not too cold, not to hot. The colors on the trees are just about as calming as you can get...and when they touch they ground it makes me think a whole lot more about falling. Maybe it's not so bad, after all.

This piece, like the rest of them, just sort of...came to.  I've been thinking and dreaming about bridges a lot lately--and when things are restless in my mind they usually translate into a painting.  The Autumn atmosphere just felt appropriate...and the two focal characters balanced on their separate stones...well, they represent personal emotion and memory.

I think this one is my favorite piece since "Sophie".  It touches me and takes me back to at least three instances in the past year where I can relate to its solemnity and passion.  I know what it's like to desire something inherently beautiful--to be so close to it that I can almost touch it...separated by just the smallest of obstacles. Small in appearance but huge when realized and approached.  I can relate to the silhouetted scenery of the piece; everything closing in on me while I'm oblivious to it's nearing...blinded by own nervous anticipation.  There's so much intricacy in the scene--so much happening in the background.  It's like the entire world is watching as they inch closer to a pivotal moment in their lives.

Enjoy :)

Audensity

Here's another new piece! I painted this one for the lovely Sierra...

Boy at the End of the World

Newest Piece, completed March 5, 2011..