"I had spent three and a half years in a relationship that sucked up all my energy and gave me nothing in return--isolated and lonely and faking a happiness that no one could see through. Honestly, I had spent my whole life there, so afraid of how I felt that I couldn't even admit it to myself. I was so envious of the women I saw every day who were living their lives the way that they wanted to. I was so fascinated by the women who could never "pass," the way I did, as straight. After I left my boyfriend, it took me months and months to forgive myself. Forgive myself for suffocation by my own hand, forgive myself for holding myself hostage with an idea of perfection (straightness) that was my own creation. Looking back, I still have a hard time understanding why I was so driven to make myself fit into the lifestyle that I thought was expected of me. Despite my youth, my progressive education, my liberal upbringing, I still wanted to turn away from the truth: I liked women".
..."Not to say there wasn't doubt, worry, anxiety, reality impinging on our blissed-out state. Those things were there in the background, bringing up questions about my intentions, my past. More than once, she asked if I was sure I wanted to be with women. What if I didn't like it? I could only tell her that I was certain. It had been a very long, careful decision to leave my previous relationship, and I had had several months of being single and considering my choice. I knew where my attraction lay, I knew I would always be unhappy and faking it if I were in a straight relationship. I was more certain of my decision than I was of anything else. I knew what I was giving up. I knew that despite the little bubble of Northampton there would be (and always will be) the possibility of disapproval, or hate, or silent condemnation. I knew I was giving up my right to always hold someone's hand in public, because in Northampton it is okay, but it isn't okay in Boca Raton, or Houston, or Peoria. I knew I would have to use my intuition and keep my mouth shut in places where being a lesbian might make me unsafe. I knew that I might meet people who judged me and my lifestyle, people who would think there was something wrong with me. I knew not everyone would accept my life and love with the grace and equanimity that my friends and family do. I knew I was giving up the heterosexual privilege I had enjoyed my whole life. I also knew, and still know, I made the right choice."
From the book Dear John, I love Jane...such an incredible read. Check it out.
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